i have been so absent. ever since costa rica, way back in mid-march. a huge shift happened in me, in that jungle, on that beach, beneath those waves, in my mind. and i have been absent, in the most glorious way.
absent from anger. absent from fear. absent from unwanted obligation. absent from any care for convention or crippling restrictions. absent from all seriousness within this wild world, where most things are taken way too seriously anyway. absent from anxious mind and loud ego. absent from that struggling girl who used to give such a damn about what people thought or how they saw or if they loved enough.
most importantly, the most absent from judgment i’ve ever been in my life.
because there, in that infinite space of love and light, i surrendered. a total letting-go of anything and everything that wasn’t a source of positivity. and i’m not sorry. because it’s been non-stop perfection ever since. not perfection, in the standard sense of the word, of course. definitely not the nothing-ever-goes-wrong, always-clear-skies, never-rejected, good-hair-day-everday kind of perfection... because i’ve had some hideous hair days, hilarious rejections and glorious downpours in the past few months. but they’ve all added up to an unquestionable, mind-blowing perfection.
have you ever looked back on an event in your life and realized that, though it didn't go quite how you had planned, it happened in an even better, overall more positive way than you could've ever written up yourself? do you ever look back on sequences of happenings and realize how "lucky" they were? how one thing couldn't have possibly happened if those six seemingly fortuitous events hadn't occurred at those exact six moments?
well, i have a whole, long running document detailing all of my perfect little serendipities. because writing them down and mapping them out illuminates this web of events. events that i often question in the moment. WHY. whyyy did i get so sick in amsterdam? oh, because if i was feeling well, i would've left holland early and never would have taken scarlett to that couchsurfing event once i felt better. and i never would've talked so long to that young dutch doctor at that couchsurfing event had i not previously been so unwell, and scarlett never would've met his best friend, and they never would've fallen in love and STILL BE DATING A YEAR LATER. woah.
to the unromantic realist, this could be simple chance. but to the girl who has experienced this sort of perfect "chance" every single place i've been over the last two years, it's called good 'ol fashioned fate.
it's the kind of perfection that, at the end of the day, offers complete peace of mind. because once you notice that things tend to work out for the greater good, it's possible to have faith. faith in the controlled chaos of this flawless, intricately designed universe of ours.
and that's what i surrendered myself to in costa rica. the notion that everything is and was and always will be just as it's meant to be. that's when we get to shed fear and anger and judgment. i've been better for it ever since.